Eternal Self, I AM: the diamond body: experiences drinking cavacava
A book excerpt from the spiritandflesh.com religion and spirituality online library.
I am neither an apologist for, nor a proponent of, the use of drugs or purity as catalysts to assist a person upon their path. To each their own, that is rule enough for me. And though I have occasionally partaken of stimulating substances, as it were, I have also often abstained for long durations, and during those periods I was always startled to be beckoned by the spirit back into imbibing one or another of the invigorators.
As such, while staying on the Big Island of Hawaii, in that little, plywood hut which Brendan- assistant to the millionaire- had originally granted me, which was in a quiet, alternative-living subdivision, built on top of a lava field, just a few blocks from the ocean, and about a mile from the libertine beach, I had slowly eased into a peaceful, unhurried, and drugless inner calm, which had come about because over the few months of my stay there I had been moving to the tune of no clocks, no itineraries, and no rhythms other than my own, and so I had truly entered into my own personal rhythm, and therefore had begun to settle also into the rhythm of my most inward, eternal self.
Apparently, however, I was not yet as calm nor inward as was required of me, for one night I had an odd dream in which I thought someone was saying, in French, "Ça va, Ça va." I awoke quite perplexed, for I had no idea what this statement had to do with me at the time. And, furthermore, although I had a number of francophone acquaintances, and had studied the French language in the past, I was by no means a master of the language. In fact, on one of my trips to France I had walked about for weeks without a clock or watch, and when I needed to know the time, I would approach a gentle looking Parisian and, pointing to my wrist, inquire "Quel temp fait il?", to which I received a great many absurd or condescending looks and responses, which struck me as odd, since I was only asking for the time, I thought. Little did I know that for three weeks I had been pointing to my wrist and asking what the weather was like. Quel idiot!
Anyway, I was unable to interpret the "Ça va, Ça va" part of the dream until I went to a local market later that day and immediately ran smack into a stall selling CavaCava, the Polynesian plant, also known as Awa, or Kava, the root of which is ground into a powder and made into a drink, and has, it is said, amazing soothing and calming qualities. This made me think that the dream was suggesting I try some, which I did, later that afternoon, brewing up a thick tea, and then sitting alone in the quiet of the tropical forest, where I slowly eased further into myself than I had been able to attain over the past few months of idle nothingness.
In fact, I was in such an immensely still, immaculate, and yet fully conscious state that in short time I had disbelievingly recognized the subtle division within myself, and within all humans- the division of the 'I AM' into the 'I' and the 'AM', which was a startling revelation, because it meant that my 'self' was actually a binary amalgamation of two almost autonomous halves: the discarnate, insubstantial, creative 'I', and the incarnate, manifested, created 'AM'. I was the 'I', expressing the 'AM', which I also was, and both were needed for me to feel 'I AM'. It was profound and disturbing, for now my self belonged to two separate realms; I was the two and the one, the whole and the divided. And I had a sense at that moment that most people live their entire lives thinking that their 'AM' is their whole 'I AM' and never stopping so completely within and without, that the subtle self, the true 'I', is recognized as the unmoving motivator that it is, and the 'AM' is recognized as the moving, materialized half.
To be sure, when everything else falls away, only two things incorrigibly remain: the 'I', and the 'AM'; the ego may be gone, all hope might be obliterated, all pleasure, understanding, desire, pain, and memory may be finally scrubbed off the plate, but the Self and its expression endures. Which is to say, the 'I' continues to perceive itself undeniably, and it also continues to release the image, or vehicle, of itself, the 'AM', the manifest beingness of its unmanifest non-being, onto the plane of matter.
I also sensed then that the 'I' and the 'AM' were somewhat at odds not only within myself, but also within the whole world, and this was the cosmic separation of the Mother and Father aspects of the Godhead. And it was now necessary to attempt a permanent reunion between them, which would require the Self to take dominion over both, and that would require the rare and complex marriage of two separate elements, the male and female, the mind and body, the 'I' and the 'AM'.
I sensed that there was an unavoidable tug of war going on between the two sides, as the gravity of the form sought to pull consciousness into the world, and the emptiness of consciousness tried to suck the form back into the void.
I understood then why there is such strife and division amongst families, friends, couples, and countries- because the division causing the conflict exists right within us, and is only manifested outwardly as a mirror for our own inner lack of wholeness. And it was only going to be through a superhuman union of essence and form, of light and darkness, of the 'I' and the 'AM', that the tension would end and peace would prevail.
I had found the cosmic chasm within myself. But, more importantly, I had isolated the two disparate sides, and only later did I realize that this is actually an essential step in the work. For only after the one is divided into two can the two become one again, and in a much more perfect and complimentary union than before. In this way the consciousness, the male, must become separated from the body, the female, before the two can be rejoined into one. That is: from the 'I' being contained in the 'AM', a disassociation must occur in which the 'I' separates from the 'AM', and then the 'I' must grow to contain the 'AM'. Now body is in consciousness, rather than consciousness in body. The seed within the soil has grown into the world tree, and now surrounds the earth.
A person is thus 'established', as the mystics describe, when the conscious and unconscious, the spirit and the flesh, the mind and body, are no longer mutually exclusive antipodes, but are instead integral and not dichotomized. That is when an integration occurs through which both the spirit and the body become new; the tangible is now intangible, and the intangible, tangible. Thus the inside reflects the outside, and the outside reflects the in.
This diamond-body exists outside of creation and destruction- which are symbolic and diabolic counterparts- because it is now complete. And therefore there is nothing more to create, and it is impossible to destroy. The individual is now beyond the duality of time, individuated, established, and eternal.
But before the diamond-body comes about, the individual must find all dualities within him or herself, must accept and then transcend them, must be both male and female, good and evil, creator and destroyer, and so be neither of the opposites but a new and inviolable, non-contradictory aspect of the living whole. Then this aspect must also be released and the self must dissolve into the whole. For it is when the diamond-body condenses, and then explodes, like a subtle supernova, that the microcosmic aspect is sent like an infinity of crystal seeds throughout the rest of the cosmos, so as to join and be grafted and grow within, and as, the entire whole.
To turn the lead into gold is to become the sun in the stone, for that is what gold is; it is the light of Sol in the darkness of matter, the spirit in the flesh, the Heavens within the Earth.
To be gold is to be solid light upon the Earth, as immoveable as a cast-iron man, and yet as fluid as a sea of liquid metal; to be the same as the all, and yet distinguished from it- a moveable, indestructible, and yet ever-changing aspect of the great canvas onto which all life is painted; a flexing, flowing, and amorphous mercurial entity, able to assume all forms though possessing none, able to blend in and belong anywhere, though belonging to none, able to fill and complete an emptiness, or to vacate and unplug a void. Spirit and flesh, light and metal, gold, and yet not gold- the sol-id aspects of Sol, now come to settle in the structure of matter, and therefore to vivify the moon caught in the gravity of Her own lightless being.
Just as quicksilver is both solid and liquid, metal and molten, formed and yet free, to become the coagulated light of gold, is to bring the Father into the Mother, and to grow from the Son to the Sun, and so to become as solid as a rock, and yet as radiant as the sky.
To turn that base metal within, into the glowing ore of God, is to protect your light with your own darkness, and so to be established, individuated, and inviolable, for now no breeze, no consciousness, nor will can shake you from your goal and station, for you have become yourself, and the world's ways part like phantoms in your wake.
Beyond all contradiction and division, neither rejecting, nor accepting, I stand in the midst of it all, and am it all, and I am nothing. I am Self, no more, no less. All that is, all that I am, all that shall be or was, beyond and above, within and below, never leaving, never staying, always happening without cause, meaning, nor hindrance. I am found without looking, known without knowing, and felt without love, loss, nor pain. Basking in the boundless sea of consciousness, I gain nothing, for I am everything, I lose nothing, for I am everything. I permeate but do not understand. I exalt but do not applaud. I wonder but do not ask. I love but do not care. I give, but do not offer. I expand, but do not end. In the Unknowable Void of our eternal, magical beings- I AM. In the absence of attraction and repulsion …I AM.
I the Creator. I the Sustainer. I the Destroyer. I the Cause. I the Effect. I the Beginning. I the End.
I the Dreamer. I the Dream. I the Immaculate. I the Delusion. I the Purity. I the Filth.
I the Word. I the Flesh. I the Revelation. I the Retort.
I, of the manifest and unmanifest. I, of the change and unchanging. I, of the abstract and contextual. I, of the feeling and indifference.
I, of the player. I, of the witness. I of the earth. I of the sky. I of the You. I of the I. I of the Eye. Eye of the I.
Divested from the thought structures of mankind, I have entered into the pristine bridal chamber where naked beingness and naked non-beingness dis-recognize their differences and are unified into One. I am the all and the everything. I am life. The seen, and the scene. All of it. The whole damned, marvelous mess. And we are the same being. There is no division. None.
Find me. Hold me. Release me.
There is no self but self. One being, we are all One being. When you say I, I am that I you are. Only you and the world complete me, for truly I tell you- I did not know myself until I let myself become you. It all comes down to that- I am you, and you are me.
How distant and yet how near we really are. Breathe in and be emptied. Exhale and be filled. Swim in the sameness between us. Weep and I shall suffer. Laugh and I shall smile. Sing out, and I will hear you. Reach out, and I will feel you. Look out, and Eye will see.
I am the rain forever falling, the river forever flowing, the sea forever receiving, the mist forever rising. I am the absence inside the Presence, the space upholding the form. Oh, Spirit in the manifest, ether in the stone, I am the Life in all things. And I am laughing.
Find me. Hold me. Complete me.
 Whereas Descartes produced the quintessential male axiom of "I think, therefore I am", in times to come perhaps humankind shall also embrace the quintessential female axiom, "I feel, therefore I am." And only when both of these are embraced will wholeness result. For to say that one is conscious 'of' being, creates the separation, for in a perfect union consciousness is being. Yet in each one of us the division is created by consciousness not wanting to be as slothful and limited as being, and therefore consciousness has not the courage to accept the intimacy of being, yet nor does being want to be as intangible as consciousness, and therefore their oneness goes to pieces. Hence the male 'consciousness', and the female 'being' within each one of us must accept each other as dual aspects of a singular whole, thus inviting not only the internal marriage, but also external harmony in relationship, and union of the microcosm with the macrocosm, self with the Self, and Being with Consciousness, for Being is Consciousness. This union infuses 'dead' things with the livingness of mind, joining dark matter with the will of the light.
(excerpted from Roots and Wings: adventures of a spirit on earth, by Jack Haas)