I AM: a spiritual awakening: God within: alchemy, eternity, Tao
A book excerpt from the spiritandflesh.com religion and spirituality online library.
It is a deep and terrifying dive into matter which the spirit takes towards wholeness. It is a drowning and a rescue, a death and a transformation, a loss of breath and a growth of gills.
I can say now that I am as much an aquatic, as a terrestrial, arboreal, aerial, and ethereal being.
I am a whale, a snake, an ape, an eagle, a tree, a monster, an alien, a God. And it is only through the symbiosis of all these aspects that I also am a human, for humanity is the nexus, the crossroads, the hub through which all realms collide and commingle, which is why it is a crazy, brilliant, and disastrous thing to be human, because to be human is to be the pinnacle of the ever churning cosmos. To be human is to be Christ, which is to be the living tension consciously existing in all realms at once, and therefore gluing the entire disparate cosmos into a workable whole.
Yet, in the fecund rays producing us forever, how gentle it all becomes- to be human- as the separated blooms finally merge with our hard-won unlimited light.
You, who have landed here where I also came down into the quagmire stillness; here, where the pageant of being masquerades before itself; here, where the blossom falls into the fruit; here, where the shades of life are also life, and the grey dawn also knows the sun, and the gentle caress of the northern wind blows without asking if your tears come from shivers, or sorrow, or joy; here is where I came through suffering to gratitude, exalting what had deranged me, because I began to understand what was happening- somehow I had gotten back on track, I don't know how, but somehow I was returning to the source of gratitude, to God, to the mystery that I call ...me. For no one can know themselves completely, because the part is an aspect of the whole and a toe knows not where the walker is walking, and thus it surrenders to the whole.
To lose your part is possible only when you become it all, which is to become nothing. For a complete equation must balance out on either side. And therefore when you become it all every birth creates a death, every smile a tear, every pride an awaiting humility, every sin its forgiveness, and every piece of wisdom contains some ignorance. To become it all is to stand outside the contradiction, beyond character and magnitude, at the wellspring and stasis of this infinite nothingness.
It is that void to which I now return, when I am still and empty in the shower of the electric God-presence pulsing into what was me, and still is, though continuous now with what it wasn't, and therefore is the sex of God's penetration into the concave adoration I have become in my own absence; it is this union which becomes the apocalypse to all separative energies now caught in the wrath of our indefatigable love.
In that consummation of gyrating motionlessness, where the form has been tamed by the core, and the lightning held by the rod, the bridge between the two waters becomes their non-difference, and the transcendent deluge of the new essence infiltrates an active dispensation into the living schemata of the generative whole.
In that commingling Avalon, where the new Eden is born without time, need, nor meaning, and the shift through epochs now adorns the inimitable cosmos, I dance continuously in the unrepressed glory of our orgy, song, and redemption. Where the realms of sex and God, libation and liberation, eternity and change, freedom and love, separation and union have been reworked and configured into the new and everlasting model; where madness is as certain as joy, wonder as absolute as wisdom, blasphemy and prayer the same utteration, and peace as prevalent as ecstasy- this is the yogic union, where the spirit settles into the awaiting flesh.
Where the rhythm of eternity soaks in and overtakes the mitigations of circumstance, and the neverending Self becomes the ever thankful recipient of its own benevolent creation. Here I linger in the warm and tonic recesses, where the flicker fades to a gentle hum, the organs grind to a sigh, and all those who belong to me will ever know they are welcome in the place I have gone to which is called Home. I am home. Come home.
It is a place where everything is consciousness, and there is no inside looking out, for there is only attention; where the self falls into the great abyss of nothingness, and yet Being remains complete. It is a stillness without walls, where life blows through you, and you are a gust.
As if through a window you look out onto the world from a house, and indeed there is a window, but ...there is no house, there is only one wall, and no roof, and everything flows over and around that wall, so there is neither inside nor out; in fact, there is not even one wall, only a window, and there isn't even that, only a place which moves in the wind, and is the wind, blowing and being blown, with nothing to block or prevent it, and nothing which might enclose it, or hold it, or make it say 'I'.
Oh, let me tell you- when God's great eyes are finally inside of you, then shall you be still.
In that austere event- when the self is only 'I', or even less than that, perhaps as nothing- it is then that I become the all, and more than the all, and continually more and more than that.
For there is only one soul, and not two, and our love is its love, our hate is its hate, and our life is it living. It is us- we are it. So there is nothing left to do.
You enter the presence through the absence, and the absence through the present. The spirit becomes the space within the flesh, and the flesh becomes the space within the spirit. The union is harmonized, separation evaporates, and the distinctness of two become an intermingled one. Non-being enters being without a ripple, effect, desire, or repulsion.
To be in Tao is to be the non-reactive self, ever aware within the reactive panoply.
As I penetrate the empty fullness with my essence unrestricted by the form, flowing out from, into, and through all that is, I merge with and become that which becomes me, as a dye released into a tank colors the entire water, and I influence and am influenced in the vast space in which all that is, and I, soften into one.
It is here that the indifference of my eternity heals the wounds caused in the separative calamity of our unfoldment. It is here that the molecular substratum of our sublime continuity shifts and shapes the new form into being. It is here that I and you express ourselves through the complete exhaustion of the cosmos, infiltrating without force the fluid pattern with our oceanic lives.
It is here that Eros and Agape shed dissimilarities, here where the hard parts become supple, here where the orgiastic union of spirit and soul climax without end in the blend of distinct frequencies harmonized into the rapture of Avalon; where all difference and effort end, and only the dynamic self-perpetuating dance of ecstatic co-creation pours itself out, through, and into all that it is. It is here that we come to the wholeness of our sexless, hermaphroditic universe, and our eternal lives reclaim their evanescent throne.
It is this quiet dominion, where King and Queen bathe in the mixing waters of their volatile song, where all is birthed without hindrance, through that uncreated epicenter, generating the expansive home in which all worlds unite, and all realms belong.
It is this subtle union, this effortless penetration, this ubiquitous pouring of the sublime self into the rigid world which brings the leavening quicksilver of spirit to the awaiting womb of flesh, and the hard knot of wingless matter is freed through its dissolution into the rootless wind of Self. All is in Tao. All has become fixed, fluid, fecund, and free. And the universe is won.
You see, as the vortex of being accelerated, and the angels gathered to fly, I leapt off into the whirlwind and ...I became the wind. I did not weave this integral, complex fabric of being, nor did I unstitch it, I merely blended into patternlessness, became contiguous in the realm of all happenings, and then moved freely amongst its fibers. It was so bloody easy- I simply melted into the sublime.
Yea indeed, discordant frequencies converge in the chaos, and a wholly new harmonious sound can be heard. For in the end it is not so much about giving up the ghost, but of giving yourself up, and becoming a ghost.
Like the ash from a cigarette which holds its form after the burn, but has no form, and is dispersed away in the slightest of breezes, I was not swept into the sea, but merely washed away like a stain of blood upon the earth. I dissolved into the tide.
Be it salvation or destruction, of that I am not sure. In the end it seems there is no valuable difference. In fact, there was little holy or unholy about my destined ungluing, I simply melted into a solution of forgetfulness and completely lost myself.
A window, that's all I truly am, and not even that; I did not, as I had romantically hoped, see through myself to the great beyond- It saw through me.
Either and every way, the little drop exploded in the storm, and then there was no more lightning, thunder, nor rain, only the great sea of something free.
This is the absence which brings the great redemption.
Find your true nature, and the world will fall through you, back into the Great Love. Then into everyone's eyes in which you look, you will see only your own, and then it is as if you don't even exist, for God will look through you onto what God has made and ...even God will not understand it.
Then it is that you shall unknow in the midst of knowing, and know in the midst of the unknown. You will be nobody, and everybody, and your finitude shall be infinite. And in that holy, common, non-existent space between our two unseparate worlds, you and I shall dwell without dwelling, rest without stopping, and move without going on.
That is when what goes in is the same as what comes out- and 'I' is the meeting point. That is when I am neither inside nor out, but am the spaceless infinity between them; neither ego nor other, and yet both.
Thus there is no division where neither inside nor out exists for they exist as the One; duality unseparates itself and incompleteness reconciles the opposites into completeness, because whether It comes out of you, or goes in, you are still included. You are none of it, and you are all of it.
Yea, in the gap between the receiver of what goes in, and the producer of what goes out, lays the infinite nothingness in which ...I AM.
When I hold onto nothing, and let myself fall away from care and effort, easing into the hopeless surrender of my own omnipotence, that is when the self I pursue falls helplessly back into me from the vacuum of my ambitionless void. Everything becomes mine because I become everything.
It all ends and begins in such stillness. All of life emerges from, and dwells there. God does not see you, or me, or any others; God does not see many, God sees One. When the edge collapses the center grows, the hairy beast sprouts feathers, the feathers become flames, and the fire turns the chaff into manna.
It is a manic dawn which breaks in and rolls over and upon you. It is a glee and tremor which catapults you away to the here which is nowhere. No more repentance. No more concern. No more assurance. No more to learn. 'Now' has taken over and devoured you. And you have devoured now. Like the famed Uroboros, with the head of time eating the tail of space, engulfing itself to nility, and from that zero all infinities are born.
In that flagrant summation, from the stillness which does not accomplish, I welcomed myself without genius, and I remembered the Self without guise.
In the choiceless calm of uncertainty, I stopped without stopping, and forged on without moving an inch.
In the midst of being I forgot being, in the midst of life I forgot life, in the midst of myself I forgot... me. And so, through the delirium and sin of our earthly predicament, I fell, rose up, walked on, forgot and ...was innocent again.
As the specious forms dwindled in the new light of the day, I stood again before myself.
In the fallen throes of our august conundrums, the ebb and flood of enstasy and ecstasy merged wantonly at the center of my absent circumference, and I spun helplessly about until I was lost in the heart of the vacuum; I vaporized behind the sight I was seeing. Oh, I did not succumb to the fabric surrounding our great mystery ...I succumbed to the Mystery itself; I soaked right into the whole damned mess of it, and then I was no longer.
In that ubiquitous realm, void, or feeling ...I AM! In the coy equanimity of no gain, growth, nor loss ...I AM! Before the mirrorless mirror of my existent non-existence ...I AM!
Yes, yes, I know- this seems like hardly a cherished denouement. Yet there, in the tempests of unreason, there in the desertion of all hope, there, in the ethereal dance of emancipation and of loss, with neither volition, idea, nor rule ...I finished, but not at the finish; I walked on without walking; I ended, and …I did not end.
(excerpted from Roots and Wings: adventures of a spirit on earth, by Jack Haas)